One of the most impactful lessons our couples therapist has shared with us is the idea of the Love Bank. It’s a concept that comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, two of the most respected names in the world of relationship science.
The principle is simple but powerful: every interaction you have with your partner is like a deposit or a withdrawal in a shared emotional bank account. When you show kindness, affection, or support, you’re making a deposit. When you criticize, dismiss, or get caught in conflict without repair, you’re making a withdrawal.
Our therapist put it this way: “Every disagreement, if not repaired, pushes your balance into the negative. And if you don’t intentionally fill your love bank back up, resentment and distance will grow.”
Think of it like this, if you go into an argument already running on empty, even small disagreements can feel overwhelming. But if your love bank is full because of regular positive interactions…..little moments of connection, appreciation, and care…..you have a cushion. A disagreement won’t destroy the relationship, because the emotional reserves are there to protect it.
The Gottmans’ research shows that thriving couples have about five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. That’s the ratio that helps relationships stay balanced and strong. Positive deposits can be as small as a smile, a text that says “thinking of you,” or a hug at the right moment. These little things add up and they matter more than grand gestures.
In our sessions, our therapist often reminds us that it’s not the conflict itself that threatens the relationship it’s what happens afterward. Do we repair? Do we turn toward each other instead of away? Do we take time to intentionally add deposits back into our love bank?
She challenges us to notice when we’re slipping into the negative and to be proactive about restoring balance. For example, after an argument, a simple acknowledgment like “I hear you, and I love you” can help stop further withdrawals. Then, small deposits over time rebuild the trust and closeness that keeps us connected.
Why did I Chose a Gottman Level 2 Therapist? When I was searching for a therapist for us, I was very intentional about choosing someone trained in the Gottman Method. Our therapist is a Level 2 Gottman Therapist, and that distinction really matters.
Here’s what that means:
• Level 1 Gottman Training covers the basics of the Gottman Method—understanding research-based tools, learning to recognize destructive communication patterns, and beginning to introduce exercises to couples.
• Level 2 Gottman Training goes deeper. Therapists at this level are trained to use advanced assessment tools, analyze relationship dynamics in more detail, and tailor interventions more precisely to each couple’s unique needs. They practice using Gottman interventions with real couples and receive feedback, so their skills are sharper and more practical.
So that means when choosing a Level 2 Gottman therapist that gives me confidence that we’d be working with someone who had both the science and the practical training to guide us through real-life challenges and not just the theory.
The Love Bank isn’t just a metaphor, it’s a daily practice. It’s about being mindful that everything we say and do has an emotional impact. Filling each other’s bank isn’t always about grand gestures, it’s about consistency, kindness, and choosing to turn toward each other, especially in moments of stress.
For us, therapy has been a reminder that love is something we actively build. It’s not just what we feel it’s what we do, every single day.
Everyday I intentionally decide to choose PJ and she internationally decides to choose me.
Until I decide to write again….
Truly Yours,
Day
