Welcome back to Microaggressions and Margaritas, where I unpack the delightful chaos of living in a “quiet” neighborhood that somehow manages to be equal parts suburban sitcom and neighborhood thriller.
This week’s feature? Our home association chat, where raccoons, crows, coyotes, and one very small dog named Coco became the stars of the show.
The Setup: Who’s Feeding the Wildlife?
It all started with the mystery food drops. Someone bless their misguided heart has been leaving bread, meat, fruit, and even a full pack of turkey out in the courtyards. Now, while they may think they’re helping out Peter Rabbit, what they’re actually doing is throwing an all-you-can-eat buffet for squirrels, raccoons, coyotes, and every crow in a three-mile radius.
So naturally, I spoke up: “Whoever is leaving food out, please stop. You’re not just feeding rabbits you’re inviting the entire cast of Animal Planet into the neighborhood.”
PJ chimed in too, backing me up with: “The raccoons are so fat and happy. This is why!”
The chat agreed: emails should be sent, signs should be posted, and marigolds (apparently squirrel-repellent, according to one neighbor’s sister-in-law and the internet) might even be planted. Sounds reasonable, right?
Enter: The Pellet Gun Debate
That’s when things took a turn.
I mentioned (half-joking, half-serious) that given the nightly crow attacks when I walk Coco—my four-pound Maltipoo … and let me stress I said at night! I had considered getting a pellet gun. Because let’s be honest, I’m not about to wrestle a crow with my bare hands while it tries to scoop up my dog like a drive-thru snack.
But oh no, one neighbor just couldn’t let it go. She lectured me about pellet guns being illegal in the city, how it was “deeply disturbing,” and how “responsible owners” don’t shoot illegal firearms where kids might be running around. I’m thinking kids running around at night when I’m working my dog at 10pm before I go to bed .. that seems a little irresponsible for a parent but ok! Then she topped it off with a lovely little: “Great you say you shoot well. Haven’t seen it in person, so I don’t trust it. Great.”
Excuse me?
My response: “I’m not going back and forth with you about how I’ll protect myself and my dog. When the time comes, I’ll deal with the consequences. But you will not police me in this chat. I’m a responsible gun owner—I’m not out here waving it around. But I’m also not fighting a crow with my bare hands. Now, have the day you voted for.”
Because you know I have to end it with Have the day you voted for because that’s my saying!
Meanwhile, in Completely Unrelated News…
And here’s the kicker that’s going to make you laugh…..Right in the middle of this heated debate about guns, crows, and HOA liability, another neighbor pops in with: “Reminder: the Glessnor House Ice Cream Social is this Sunday!”
Because nothing says “neighborhood harmony” like bouncing from rabid raccoons with rabies and illegal pellet guns to sprinkles and waffle cones for the kids who might be running around outside at 10pm when I’m walking my dog.
This, my friends, is exactly why I named this blog Microaggressions and Margaritas. Because in one breath you’re being told you’re a danger to society for not wanting your dog carried off by a crow, and in the next, you’re being asked if you’d prefer chocolate or vanilla. Go figure!
So what did we learn in this blog post?
1. Feeding wildlife = bad idea.
2. Neighborhood group chats = free reality TV.
3. Nothing, not even a debate about pellet guns, can stop the HOA from promoting an ice cream social.
Stay tuned for the next round of neighborhood theatrics. Until then, I’ll be sipping my frozen mango margarita….inside, where the raccoons or the squirrels can’t find me.
Yours Truly,
Day
